When I was first put on medication for my anxiety, something weird happened. The world got brighter, and I can remember on many occasions asking my sister and K if the clouds had always looked like that. I mean they looked unreal like cotton candy just in the sky, it was beautiful. My sister looked at me like I was crazy, but you don’t realize you are missing something until your not. For a few months, this is how I saw the sky, and it was lovely, it reminded me to take time and enjoy the little things. Flash forward to today, and when I look at the sky it is just there, and it is sad. All the colors are muted, and even when the sky is blue, it is dark. It is so hard to see life like this.
When I got diagnosed with anxiety, there was a sense of relief because I could fix it, but the idea that I may also be battling something else makes me sad and angry. I don’t understand how people can think it is okay to take others lives and turn them upside down. I’ve spent my whole life dealing with trauma in one way are another, from sexual abuse, unpredictable childhood and abusive marriage, but I think K’s death is that last straw. We all get to that point we cannot take anymore, and I am there.
So, over a three-week time frame, I played phone tag with a counselor I found. When we were finally on the phone talking, she asked me “why are you seeking therapy?” So, I gave her the rundown, told her about my sleeping, moods, fears and everything else. She says “I don’t want you to be worried or put off about what I am about to say.
FYI: when I started talking to her I was thinking I am just going to be diagnosed with depression. Right? I already have anxiety it would make sense to have depression after everything that has happened.
Anyways, she says “it sounds like PTSD if you have these symptoms past three months it becomes something of greater concern and I will recommend/refer you to someone who specializes in PTSD.” I did not take this as well as I took the anxiety diagnoses. I am I bit upset about it but not sure why. I mean all PTSD is, is anxiety. In a way, I am just suffering from more anxiety.
However, PTSD does not feel like my general anxiety. It is beyond overwhelming, I am not even OCD, so I am not benefiting at all from PTSD. At least with general anxiety, I can clean and organize. With the PTSD I am tired but can’t sleep, I feel depressed, I want to cry randomly, I am mad all the time, and loud sounds in dreams and real life freak me out.
During my first session (a mixture of anxiousness and relief) I was asked to track my anxiety. It was like a duh moment because I had not acutely been doing it, but it would make sense to log your anxiety. Before I was just writing it out, but I kept losing my paper with my information, so I decided to create an Anxiety Journal for myself to help me keep track (it was also kind of relaxing). I am looking forward to sharing what I have learned in tracking my anxiety (post coming soon) and sharing my day (check out my Instagram).
If you would like to do this with me, please download and let me know what you think and if it helped in the comments below.